I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
