I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
