if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think my fart just growled at me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
