and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
