the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
