We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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