yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
