The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
