can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
