I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
