I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
