My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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