glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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