I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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