dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
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When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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