My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
