You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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