The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My ass is underappreciated
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
