You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
