Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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