Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
