My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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