I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
