he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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