Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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