sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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