best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Randomize
