I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
