You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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