please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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