Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
