I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
