i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
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We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
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Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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