I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
