i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
