hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
