Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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