Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
