thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
