I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
soo... how was my night?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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