fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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