he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I love you. Go after that dick
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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