I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
