MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
