I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
