You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
