guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
