I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
