it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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