Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
