Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
