the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
