U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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