things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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