please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
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We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
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Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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